Gulp! A School Story
by coolcube
Summary: Artemis changes schools to Ginger's junior high class. Which could be bad, very bad. Because there is something nobody knows about her, not even her best friends or the lunch lady. Why she asks to come in to school, has pointy ears, and can write in code.
1. Classmates

Gulp (A School Story)  
  
Chapter One  
  
Disclaimer: (sigh) I have given up. I do not own Artemis Fowl or any characters at all. (sobs)  
  
But I do own my school!! Mwahahahahahaha!!  
  
Principal: Uhh, technically, you don't.  
  
Yes I do!  
  
No you don't!  
  
Yes I do!  
  
I'll get you out of detention for ever!  
  
Okay, works for me! I don't own anything except the plot!  
  
Note: This story is told in first person, from the main character's point of view, and in the present tense. Please, please, please review!!!!!!  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
I walk into my classroom down the hall of my school happily, which makes me the only one on Earth – both above and below ground. But I am even more perky than normally, the reason being that we are going on the best field trip ever soon. On this, even those who despise school agree. To Great Adventure, would you ever believe? Someone must have blackmailed the school board, that's for sure.  
  
I reach the front door, and simultaneously my whole class shouts "Come in, Ginger!" I always ask to come in, always had, every single day of my life in school. No one knows why, but they just love to guess. Jessica says I'm way too polite. My teacher says I've got problems. Tyler says I am made to ask by aliens who control my brain.  
  
I take my uncomfortably low seat, but I am too busy daydreaming about riding Nitro to care. I jump back to earth in a flash when my teacher makes an announcement. "Today a new student will join our class. Please - I beg you - give a warm welcome to --" A pale boy steps in, looking as if he would be stuck upside down on a roller coaster than be here. He looks oddly familiar to me, but then again, if someone watches as much television as I do, everyone looks like one actor or other. "—Artemis Fowl!" reads my teacher from a record book and then continues correcting social studies quizzes.  
  
I fall backwards along with my plastic chair.  
  
Ms. Egan jumps up from the history and asks if I am all right. I mutter something about wobbly legs and get back up. My teacher looks skeptical. "Well, I'll ask the janitor to check that out," she promises and directs Artemis to his seat. "Um, you can have the empty desk next to Ginger," she says. I fall backwards again.  
  
"Whoa, Ginger, definitely take another seat," advises Karolina.  
  
I sit back down, seriously considering shielding and jumping out the window, but then think better of it, and go to take out my English. My new seat slips and I almost fall down, again, but catch myself just in time.  
  
"You're not good with chairs, are you?" asks the newcomer, raising his eyebrow.  
  
I brush my tawny locks over my queer ears as fast as I can. Too late.  
  
"Say, what is the matter with your ears?" Artemis says. "Medical condition," explains Liz. He frowns and looks skeptically at me, but says nothing more until the lunch bell rings and my entire class files out in anticipation of the baked ziti.  
  
No one sees our new classmate pick up a crumpled-up piece of notebook paper from the ground. Natalie's note to me, I later find out. In our secret code. In Gnommish.  
  
:-) *********************** :-)  
  
A/N Well, what do you think?? Please, please review!! *crosses fingers until they break* OUCH!! Okay, got to stop doing that!! 


	2. Shopping

Chapter Two  
  
(New, Improved, Longer, & More Detailed!)  
  
Wow!! I got reviews! I never get this many in one day! Maybe I should always write short chapters.... hmmm........ *jots in notepad*  
  
Happynutcase-Yes she's friends with Holly. Holly Rox- She's going to a human school because........ mmm..... read on! Alixi- I'll try not to make it corny or Mary Sue-ish, tell me if I do! Wolfrat- This will be longer I promise. Raptor K - Just Ginger is a fairy. She taught her friends Gnommish so they could write secret notes. :) Book Worm 005- Sorry it's not a crossover, because Ginger in the TV show is not a fairy! Her name's Ginger because they have to have something to do with plants. But maybe I'll try that once, but that's another story. AARGH!! - What are the cliches, I don't see any! And if there are why do they burn?? I like cliches sometimes....... even did a current event about them..... but that's another story.  
  
Thanks to all my reviewers (except you AAARGH!!... grrr....) Keep up the good.........er, reviewing!!  
  
And now it's time for your favorite part (and mine): the dreaded Disclaimer.  
  
IdontownanyAFstuff! Wow! Three seconds that has got to be a record! *cast lets out sigh of relief* And without any plots to take over AF! *Eoin Colfer and lawyers clap and go get donuts*  
  
(Umm, see, I always try to take over AF in every chapter of my other story. But my exploits are, once again, another story.)  
  
So without even more ado, here is the next chapter!  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
I sit down at our long, slightly falling apart lunch tables, across from my group of friends, (alas, a small one.) We start talking about all the movies we had seen in our lifetime, which could take quite a while, when Artemis walks up to me.  
  
"Hello," he begins. Without even a second's thought, I jump out of my seat and blurt out, "I don't have any gold!" My friends and Artemis give me a strange look. "Erm, I mean, uh, I don't have any lunch money. Do you have any?"  
  
Artemis sighs and hands me some. A crisp hundred dollar bill. "But --" I splutter as he walks away.  
  
"But nothing!" finishes Natalie and pulls me down into my seat.  
  
"Free money!" yells Judy, who is the shopaholic of the class. On every single field trip since kindergarten, she had bought over thirty dollars' worth of souvenirs. They are all now residing in Snappy Self Storage because there is not enough room in her house.  
  
"Does he know the pasta's only $1.50?" I ask my friends. Christina points to a large sign on the kitchen door that reads: ZITI $1.50. "That would be my guess," she says.  
  
So, with my conscience considerably relieved, I announce happily (and quite loudly, I might add) "We're going shopping!" That, and my group's even louder cheering, earn us a strange look from the rest of the cafeteria.  
  
Artemis walks up to me again and scares me right out of my seat again. Literally. "She doesn't get along very well with chairs," whispers Judy. Artemis nods and pulls out my note from his suit pocket. "This is, um, interesting. Did you write this?" he asks me, trying to act casual.  
  
Natalie opens her mouth to say something, but I silence her with my classic death stare and turn to Artemis. "No, but I did see an eighth grader drop it when we switched classes," I lie, hopefully somewhat convincingly. And before anyone could ask what that was all about, the class bell rings and we all reluctantly (except for me, of course) run up the stairs back to class.  
  
***  
  
"Oh we're going, to the Woodbridge Mall, that is where I want to be, to the Woodbridge Center Mall, just me and you, ohh –" sings Christina, who in addition to being the best drawer in class, is the best funny song writer. She loves to substitute different words in every song and then annoy us all for weeks asking if it is all right. This, for example, was originally the song sung in Hawaii when they do the hula. After five minutes, the rest of us have had enough and tell her to shush.  
  
"Wow, we're actually going somewhere with Ginger after school! I cannot believe it!" says Natalie and claps as if she had just won the lottery. My friends have forever been asking me to take them to my house, but that, for obvious reasons, is impossible.  
  
"Yeah, why can't we ever go to your house, Ginger?" asks Judy curiously. "Umm, they are still exterminating the roaches?" I say weakly.  
  
"That's what you said last time," says Christina when she was through sulking about being told to stop singing. "And the time before that," adds Natalie. "And the time before that," says Judy.  
  
"Well--" I begin and almost reveal my pointy-eared secret when Artemis walks by into his Bentley, complaining about his heavy backpack all the way. I instinctively hide behind a clump of hydrangeas on the school yard until the car pulls away.  
  
I glance at my digital watch and realize our bus is coming in one minute. I quickly stand up and drag everyone up to the bus stop and just manage to hop on the M15 at the last minute.  
  
"Good thing you made it," laughs the bus driver, who has taken me to the shuttleport every day that I was in school and not asked any questions, and also knew how teens just had to get the autograph of the American Idol finalists today. "What would you guys do without me?" he asks as we deposit our coins. "After all, you couldn't have flown there!"  
  
The whole bus bursts out laughing. Except for me, who tries to fake a laugh and only succeeds in sounding as if having a cold. I must tell someone my secret soon or I will keep being jittery all my life, even though Foaly said that could endanger the whole world, blah, blah, blah, and that he wouldn't help me on exams anymore.  
  
***  
  
"Oh, we went to the mall, that is where we are right now, the--" Christina starts singing again. We had just gone through Limited Too and Abercrombie and still had some money left, would you believe? This must be a world record. We were on our way to Bath and Body Works when who just happens to walk by but Artemis, accompanied by a man that looked like he should be a professional wrestler. Or a mountain. And heading right this way.  
  
***  
  
A/N Well, what do you think? It is longer and more detailed, right? Please, please review!! *crosses fingers but remembers what happened last time and uncrosses just in time* 


	3. Secrets

Chapter Three  
  
(Less Confusing, But Still Longer, Guaranteed, Or Your Money Back!)  
  
Readers: But we didn't pay anything! Me: Exactly! (readers walk away because they're confused already) Hey! Wait a minute! I'll pay YOU! (readers huddle and decide to read fic after all)  
  
YAY! Ok, now for our favorite part! (audience, web site, and possibly whole world groans)

I do not own any Artemis Fowl characters, logos, titles, characters, or any likenesses whatsoever, copyright Eoin Colfer, 200- er, something.  
  
Lawyers: Is she sick or something? Other Lawyers: Why isn't she trying to take over AF anymore? Lawyers: SSSHHH! Do NOT jinx it! Other Lawyers: OK! (all go get more donuts)

* * *

  
  
I clamp my hand over Christina's mouth and pull my clique into California Burrito. And not a moment too soon. Artemis and the wrestler/mountain walk in and saunter up to the checkout, pushing a half dozen of taco lovers out of the way.  
  
"Excuse me, have you seen a girl here, quite short, you see, brown hair? Pointy ears, tendency to fall off chairs?" asks Artemis while the shoppers protest loudly.  
  
"Erm, uh, no. Why?" asks the clerk, somewhat suspiciously.  
  
"No reason. I could have sworn – " declares Artemis, but Butler interrupts. "Ahem, Artemis, that Armani suit isn't going to buy itself, you know," he says and pulls his employer out toward the shops, leaving the dumbfounded employee with a hundred dollars.  
  
When the coast is clear, I try to inconspicuously clamber out from behind the garbage can. Too late. The whole restaurant (or fast food place, or whatever you call it) looks at us curiously, but then, thankfully, each returns to his or her meal.  
  
We casually walk over to a hidden table in the corner and finally give our shopping bags a rest. I order our favorite dish with my remaining money, but, sadly, it is not enough and Judy has to pitch in with her baby- sitting cash.  
  
In the middle of chowing down our favorite appetizer sampler, Natalie tells me, "Okay, spit it out!"  
I look at her strangely and have no intention of spitting out my yummy burritos. Christina sighs, "I mean, tell us, what is it with you and the new kid?"  
  
"Do you like him or something?" asks Judy accusingly. I shake my head until my brains feel like they are falling out. "Eeeou, no!" I say defensively, and the waiter mistakenly comes over and asks what is wrong with the food.  
  
"Good, 'cause he's mine!" declares Judy. "Oh, those dreamy blue-black eyes," she muses and stares off into space. Either that, or Baskin Robbins across the hall. We all quietly inch away from her.  
  
"What, then?" says Christina, and then narrows her eyes in a detective's way. "You're not telling us something, are you?"  
  
I look right and left and back and front to see if anyone is listening. Then, very silently, I announce, "I have something very important to tell you. Do you solemnly swear to not scream, cry, laugh, or d, all of the above?" Everyone nods vigorously and smiles eagerly in anticipation of a deep dark secret.  
  
"Are you addicted to Listerine Pocket Packs, because if you are, it's no big deal, there is this great support group — " begins Judy, but I shake my head and inch away again.  
  
"Do you still like My Life As A Teenage Robot? Is that what it is?" asks Natalie, who still believes she can read my mind. I shake my head again and shakily tell what I have kept hidden from everyone in the world, except for my pet stink worm.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Holly, who is hovering fifty feet above the shopping complex, feels her sonic filter sponges close as a shrill scream shatters the roof window.  
  
Inside, the whole restaurant is startled and listens in, for this is not your average dinner conversation. And not your average teenager, I might add.  
  
"Stop looking, move it along, nothing to see here!" I say, and each turns reluctantly back to their burrito.  
  
"For real?" says Christina, eyes wide as a shuttle landing dock. I nod, and Natalie starts sobbing involuntarily, which is quite embarrassing.  
  
"Oh, Ginger, we'll never be b-best f-friends forever," she says sadly. "Now, wait a minute," I say before the whole mall starts to look at us. 

"I don't know how long I'll live," I sigh. "I'm part human." Judy looks at me strangely. "Don't ask." I sigh. "Come on, don't cry. I-I'll take you all to see Haven soon!" I promise.  
  
I see Artemis coming back for another look, having paid a bundle for his suit. I pull my friends out the back door into the parking lot and we hop on the bus, me thinking Foaly is going to kill me for this.

* * *

A/N Well??  
  
(reviewers deliberate)  
  
(sweat drop)  
  
Eoin Colfer: Hey, that was pretty good!  
  
Me: Thanks — Wait, do NOT get your donut crumbs over my chapter!  
  
(lawyers come and read)  
  
story is topped by blanket of crumbs  
  
(Oh, carrot sticks. Hope you can still read this!!)  
  
:) coolcube, who is STILL spending life waiting for reviews 


	4. No More Secrets

Chapter Four!!  
  
Hello! For once I will get right to the story! I don't own any Artemis Fowl characters!  
  
Wait! Just one thing! (Whole world groans)  
  
littlemissdemosthenes: I fixed the word real, but she has to tell her friends, it is in the plot! Raptor K - No, she is not dying!! It just means she doesn't know if she'll live to be a normal age, or thousands of years, or somewhere in between. Don't worry, I don't kill my characters!  
  
Ookay, now on to the story! (Whole world says, "YAAY!") (well, no, but an authoress can dream, can't she?)

* * *

I sit in class, as jittery as a jumping bean again, as I expect I will be for the rest of my short (or long) life. And in addition to that, I can barely hear because of my message from Ops today. Honestly, 'message' doesn't seem to do it justice. Singing telegram, more like. A loud one.

* * *

"'Morning, Foaly," I had said into my handheld on my way to the hotshots, which I despise, and have to take each day. Technically, I didn't have to, since I could take a shuttle, but that would mean waking up an extra hour early to make it to school on time. So, I'd rather put my life in danger, of course. I really should be on "Who Wants To Be The Stupidest Elf Ever." It isn't a show yet, but it will be one day, if there are more people just like me.  
  
"Tell me when to go," I had said once inside the titanium egg, half asleep.  
  
"Not for another ten minutes," I heard, and started to doze off, figuring that would be the end of that.  
  
"Gingerrrrr!" said Foaly, sounding exactly like the time I had stolen his tinfoil hat. "Whaaaat?" I said irritably, for I didn't like to be woken up. I really shouldn't stay up all night watching "Fairy Idol," but I just can't help it. Just as I can't stop eating these Pocket Packs. Yum!  
  
"FOR WHAT REASON UNDER THIS EARTH DID YOU TELL THE MUD PEOPLE ABOUT OUR WORLD? YOU PUT US ALL IN DANGER, THIS COULD BE THE END OF OUR CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT! YOU HAVE NO REGARD--" bellowed Foaly, sounding strangely like Root. I later realized that it was. Lucky me. At times like these, I would have killed for sonic filter sponges.

"They were getting suspicious, okay?" I interrupted, which was not an easy task. "They're my best friends," I said, and add on my classic puppy dog eyes as an extra touch.  
  
"Aw, how sentimental," said Foaly. "BUT I DON"T CARE!" finished Root, and went on until I felt like my eardrums would split.

"Listen, it's not like they'll alert the media, right?" I rationalized, and thankfully, time was up and I hopped onto the magma flares which felt like they wanted to crush me into miniature pieces. But, believe me, it was better than listening to Root any day.

* * *

Suddenly, I hear my teacher talking to Artemis, which brings me out of my flashback to this morning right away. "Mister, uh--" she says, and continues after looking into the record book. "Mister, um, Artemis – wait, isn't that a girl's name?" Artemis shakes his head, obviously steaming. I laugh hard into my shirt sleeve. "Whatever. Anyway, you can not bring a bodyguard into this classroom!" finishes Ms. Egan, then frowns. "Or, uh, whatever that cube thing is, for that matter."  
  
"But — " protests Artemis.  
  
"But — " says Butler.  
  
"But — " comes a voice from the cube-shaped object, and my whole class jumps.  
  
"No buts!" says my teacher, after she has finished shaking, and Butler reluctantly carries the cube, and himself, out of the school. The whole class lets out a very relieved sigh at that. Damien collapses from having held his breath for so long and has to be dragged all the way to the nurse's office.  
  
"Right then. Now, turn to page — " begins Ms. Egan, but stops, again, having just noticed something. "Ginger and uh — ," she looks in the record book again, "Artemis. WHY are you wearing sunglasses? Take them off!"  
  
"But — " protests Artemis, along with me, but my teacher repeats, "Off!" after making sure no shapes were going to magically talk again. We both reluctantly deposit our eye wear into our backpacks (mine made of glittering denim, and his an extremely dull black messenger bag.)  
  
Our teacher smiles, hoping to finally be able to start teaching us some history. However, Artemis raises his hand, after pulling out a crumpled piece of looseleaf from his pocket.  
  
I fall out of my chair. Again, for the umpteenth time in as many days. "What is it with these chairs," wonders Nicole, and helps me up.  
  
"I found this on the floor yesterday," he says, and the teacher sighs after taking a look. "It's the class's secret code, of course," she says, as if it was a matter of fact.  
  
"Yeah, it's Ginger's lingo," informs Dana.  


I pull my arm across my neck again and again, the universal sign for: Shut up! But, no one takes any notice.  
  
"She taught all of us," continues Michael.  
  
"Except me!" adds Ms. Egan.  
  
"So all of us," says Alvin. "Except me!" adds Ms. Egan, again. "Could write in secret, and no one else would know what it was," he finishes.

"Where'd you get it?" Artemis looks pointedly at me, but my class answers for me. "Internet!" they say, the same answer I told each of them.  
  
Artemis looks at the paper in his hand, then at my ears and height, then back at the paper, then at me again. "Aha," he says triumphantly.  
  
I run to the back of the room, grab my bag, climb up on the counter top (not caring one bit that I'm in a skirt), and prepare to shield.

* * *

A/N Well, what do ya think? Be honest, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review! If you have read this far, just write 'I read it' and submit! Just so I know I'm not getting carpal tunnel syndrome in vain!  
  
:)  
  
COOLCUBE, who is STILL, of course, sitting and waiting for reviews!!! 


	5. A Quick Idea

* * *

Chapter Five

* * *

Before we all begin, I, of course, just HAVE to annoy you all with a lengthy disclaimer!! Mwahwhahahahaha!! I'm so evil!! Mwahahaha....... uh, yeah. If you don't want to read, just skip below my incredibly straight QuickEdit line.  
  
Disclaimer: OKAY! I am FINALLY going to own Artemis Fowl!! Once and for all! I have assembled a highly specialized team of other power-hungry authors! Hi everyone!  
  
Authors: Uh, hi! Where are we?  
  
Never you mind! Just, (charge music) CHARGE!! Yess! Go! You can do it! sips lemonade Oh, oh, OUCH! We seriously need karate lessons! The characters and lawyers sure don't..... creepy! Ouch!! Ohh, scratch that. I mean FIRE!! Yess! Yes! Perfect! Ohh, no! Not the Neutrinos!! Nooooooo! Ouch!! Keep going!! Ouch!! Ow, okay, so we don't own Artemis Fowl yet, but we will.......... soon!!  
  
Cast, lawyers: Suuuuuuuuure. Just keep telling yourself that.  
  
Okay, I will! And I will get right to the story right after thanking all my reviewers very much.

* * *

I start to shield, and I almost succeed. Then I feel my magic (what little was left of it, anyway) give out, and I become, for the first time in my life, a completely normal thirteen-year-old. Albeit one who is standing on top of the counter. In a skirt. Which makes me not quite so normal.  
  
"I see London, I see France — " begins Larry, who is vying for the spot of most immature in our class. He looks pretty close to winning. Ms. Egan glares at him, daring him to finish that statement, then looks pointedly at me, obviously exasperated. "Ginger, why are you standing on the counter?" 

"Umm, I was, uh, opening the windows," I say hopefully, and climb down, being very careful, and wondering what on earth I was going to do.

It really should be one of Murphy's laws that your shield always gives out when you need it most. For example, in a packed restaurant with a troll on the loose. Or in your classroom, when Artemis Fowl just found out that you're not the typical teenager.

I really am the most irresponsible person in the universe. My room down in Haven looks like a bio-bomb just went through it. And that's just putting it lightly. I finished last night's science project at 8:19 in the morning. While riding the hotshots up to the surface. Which is, to say the least, not a very easy task. And the last time I completed the Ritual, I believe I was learning my multiplication facts.   
  
I suddenly get one of my rare bright ideas, and dash out the door after announcing I have to go to the bathroom. "Um, me too," says Artemis, and runs out of the room, my teacher looking very happy that she can finally teach us about the Civil War.

"Now, in the South at that time — " she begins, and at that exact moment Judy, Natalie, and Christina announce that they have to go to the bathroom too. Ms. Egan bangs her head on her desk and tells the remaining portion of the class to just have free time.  
  
I rush outside onto our bleak playground, to our old, and only, oak tree, me hoping it fits within the parameters of 'ancient.' There is, thankfully, a pale, but full, moon forming in the sky overhead. And the school's garden hose, twisted in many contorted shapes, runs near the tree. Ancient oak, full moon, and twisted water. At a stretch. A pretty big one.  
  
I am just about to plant the acorn I picked, wishing I won't get into trouble for defacing school property.

I bend down to place it into the earth, when, (which should also be one of Murphy's laws), I hear a strange, yet oddly familiar voice. Standing right beside me.

* * *

A/N He, he. Evil cliffie! I am sooo evil! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha — uh, yeah. Please, please review!! Just write 'I read it' and submit!! (No, not literally, Wolfrat!) 


	6. Oh Frond

* * *

**Chapter Six**

* * *

**Hello!** I'm back, so is my muse, my laziness is gone, my homework is finished, and a plotbunny just whacked me over the head. So, here is the sixth chapter, after my usual disclaimer and review replies (see below). world groans again, and this time I wasn't dreaming :P  
  
**Z 2004 and Divine Phoenixx** - Sure you can join! **The Xylia** - I'll try to make Artemis more in character. But I'm not sure where he's ooc, he hasn't had much time to speak! **Little miss demosthenes** - Yes, she is doing algebra now, but the last time she did the ritual, in about grade 2 or 3, she was learning multiplication. (At least I think that's what they learn there.... hmm)

* * *

**Extremely Lengthy Disclaimer**: I, along with my team of enthusiastic authors bent on AF-domination, am still trying to gain rights to Artemis Fowl. And it isn't working.........grrrr.......... keep firing!! Ouch! Okay, take cover!! Retreat! RETREAT!! sighs I guess we are just no match for them. Cast and Lawyers: (smugly) Got that right!! FIRE!! Ha ha! Caught them off guard!! Okay, readers, we promise we will secure the copyright rights for AF by the next chapter!! And you will never have to write disclaimers again!! loud cheer Thank you, thank you— Crowd: Actually, we were cheering at the Amanda Show. It's being taped behind you. Could you move over??? Grrrr........ ok fine (sniffle) I am so unappreciated. And I still don't own AF. Here's Chap. 6! :(

* * *

I jump at the sound (I swear, at least six feet into the air.) "Aah! Where'd you come from?" I yell automatically.  
  
I turn cautiously to see that it is only Kristen, my very enthusiastic reading partner from second grade. Our teachers make us help the smaller, and more vocabularily challenged, kids from the lower grades to read, every Thursday. The rest of my class always groans audibly at the prospect of a half hour with them, but I like it.  
  
_(A/N SEE! That wasn't SO predictable, rite? I can do twists! Well, sort of! : )_  
  
She scratches her head at my question. "Well, my parents tell me it all started with the stork —" she answers. I shake my head and say to never mind.  
  
"Whatcha doing?" she asks while chomping on her Italian ice from the cafeteria. She glances at the ground, then at me, then back again. "Why are you planting an acorn?"  
  
"Uh, um, _science project_," I offer, and she seems to accept that, and skips off to play hopscotch, after wishing me luck with my "project." I turn back to my task and am exactly one millimeter from the ground, when I hear another voice a few feet away.  
  
I jump, again, but a few feet less this time. "Aah! Where'd you come from??" I yell, again, but I tell myself to calm down, of course it wouldn't be –  
  
I turn around, expecting to see a tyke from grade two, when I see someone clad in matching Armani loafers and suit. _Oh Frond_. And there was only one person, probably on the whole globe, stubborn enough to wear that in ninety degree weather.  
  
"Hello, Ginger," he says congenially, as if inviting me to afternoon tea. "If that is your real name." Then he scratches his head at my question. "Well, my parents keep telling me it started with the stork – " I sigh loudly and tell him to never mind.  
  
I try to make a break for it, and run inside the school, or anywhere else on Earth, but I feel my feet rooted to the spot.  
  
"I know all about your little secret," he continues, still as calmly as if discussing a business proposition. "And I think you're, how shall I put this, _interesting_."  
  
I raise my eyebrows, Artemis-style. "What do you w-want?" I squeak out, sounding very much like a tiny mouse who just had its piece of cheese taken away.   
  
"Well, world domination, or riches, whichever comes first," he replies, after giving it some thought. I pull my Neutrino out of my knapsack and point it straight at him, telling him in no uncertain terms, to get away from me.  
  
Then, a dark shape, which I had assumed was a tree, moves behind me. I see the wrestler/mountain from the mall, presumably Artemis's bodyguard, stand up. "Aaah! Where'd you come from?" I yell, automatically, again. It seemed to be my catchphrase of the day.  
  
The scary figure stops for a moment and scratches his head at my question. "Uh, well, my parents _still _tell me it all started with the stork — " I roll my eyes and tell him grumpily to never mind.  
  
I feel my feet still stuck to the spot. The bodyguard apparently takes advantage of that, snatches my Neutrino, and deposits it in his pocket. "Nice pea-shooter," he sniggers.  
  
"_HEY!_ I had ten more payments on that!" I gripe angrily. Artemis and the mountain take a step closer.  
  
"Know back, with, don't you stay what you're human dealing stay!" I blurt out. Somehow, that didn't sound quite right. Whenever I get nervous, the words just come out in an incredible jumble and no one has any idea what I just said. "Stay you, don't, dealing know human back what with," I repeat, but that didn't sound correct either. "Stay dealing, back, — oh, you know what I mean."  
  
At that moment, I truly believed I was doomed. Suddenly, my friends jump out from behind the dumpster and pin Artemis and the mountain, remarkably, to the building wall.  
  
"You _STAY AWAY_ from my friend!!" yells Natalie, loud enough to wake the kids sleeping in class five floors up. Quite bravely for someone who nearly fainted when she had to read her English report to the class.  
  
I breathe again, safe. But only for the moment. It was only a matter of seconds before the duo broke free from their grasp. After all, the bodyguard must have weighed _at least_ twice as much as all of us.  
  
I try to help, or run away, or do something, but my feet were still, of course, stuck to the spot. I chew on a Pocket Pack to calm down, seriously considering that support group, and vow that that was the last time I ever read an Artemis Fowl book.

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Hehe!! Another evil cliffie!! I am still so evil!!!! Mwahahahahahaha — uh, yeah. swings pendulum Reader........ you....... will............... review............! Will have next chapter up....... EVENTUALLY! No, I'll update soon, promise!! :) 


	7. A Misunderstanding

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Chapter Seven

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No, she wasn't having a daydream. Yes, Holly will be in this chapter! (Well, a bit, anyway!) There are AF books in Haven! (Well, at least in my story!)

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Disclaimer: (sigh) We have given up. Officially. (Reads peace treaty)  
  
We do not own Artemis Fowl, nor will we ever do, unless — doughnuts rain from the sky??? (all look at writer of treaty) Uhh, yeah. So we don't own AF. (Doughnuts start falling)  
  
Wait a minute!! We do own Artemis Fowl!!  
  
Cast: Now wait a minute...............  
  
Mwahahaha! We DO own Artemis Fowl!  
  
Cast: Hmmmm, no! You didn't sign yet!  
  
(Authors groan) Will it work if we sign now?  
  
(Doughnuts stop falling)  
  
(All sign sadly and leave, mad at coolcube for promising AF domination)  
  
So we don't own AF yet!! But we will......... in the next fic! Mwhahahahahaha! Sorry, lawyers, I'm out of donuts, but you can go pick some up if you like! Okay, now – finally - on to the story!!

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I stare in amazement, realizing that it would be highly impossible for just a bunch of junior high kids to hold back a professional bodyguard. Honestly, the laws of physics are dead against that. Then, I spot a slight shimmer in the air next to Natalie. _Holly!_ Well, either her, or dramatic evaporation.  
  
Artemis and Butler break free, finally, and I try to run away, but I still, of course, cannot. Then, I realize why. I'm stuck in a patch of quicksand (a safety violation, no doubt.) And here I was, thinking it was only my nerves.  
  
I groan and think I should just give up, considering my Neutrino is useless, my feet are stuck, and my friends look too exhausted to even talk in complete sentences. However, they get up and try once more, and Artemis finds himself, once again, against the stone blocks of Treaty Junior High.  
  
"Now, wait just a minute," he gasps. "I believe there's been a slight misunderstanding!"  
  
We all turn and say, "Huh?" in unison. So do the hopscotchers, who stopped to listen in, figuring this was more interesting than jumping on chalk squares. But, Butler tells them to move it along, there was nothing to see here. They immediately skedaddle after taking one look after the giant.  
  
"I – am– not trying to kidnap you or anything, if that's what you think," says Artemis, looking a bit confused.  
  
"Well, Artemis, you could have been a bit less –– how, should I put this, _menacing._ You scare off everyone in sight!" says Butler reproachfully.  
  
"Me? _'Nice pea-shooter!'_ Oh, that is impeccably comforting! Not to mention cliched!" retorts Artemis.  
  
"I thought it was funny, okay?" Butler explains, and hands me my gun back, thankfully, in one piece.  
  
Back and forth they go, sounding, to me, just like two 2- year olds debating over a toy. Except, of course, with bigger words.  
  
"Ahem!" I clap my hands for silence, and they both stop mid-sentence and stare at me. "It's okay. Really."  
  
Meanwhile, my friends insist that he should give me something for giving me such a shock. "Ask for a diamond necklace!" says Judy. "Or a pet Chihuahua!" suggests Natalie."Or a vacation to Liechtenstein!" adds Christina, even though she has no idea where that is.  
  
I raise my eyebrows, again. "Um, guys, he didn't kill me. Just incredibly scared me."  
  
Artemis seems to be thinking the same thing. He shifts uncomfortably, just like someone who was pushed onto Nitro by a group of friends against his will. "I truly should compensate for your fright." (Which, translated to English, meant ' I should make it up to you.') "So — um, you would to like caviar some get? ... Wait, that doesn't sound right. Get would caviar some you like to? – well, you know what I mean."  
  
I pause to let that sink in, and immediately scream. "_WHAT_? You – scare me to death, and you – want to go out on a _date_?" Everyone on the playground (or rather, a large patch of concrete,) covers their ears. So do the fifth graders four floors up. So does Holly, once again on the top of the building, since she saw there was no danger.  
  
Artemis scratches his head, probably translating English to his language. "Well, basically." I look skeptically to my friends. Natalie and Christina are giving me a huge thumbs-up and giving each other so many nudges they were bound to tip over at any minute. Judy just stares dejectedly into space until Christina tells her to snap out of it.  
  
I really don't know what to say. "Sure, she'd love to!" answers Natalie for me. I give her my classic death stare, but stop in the middle and break into a genuine smile. As genuine as it gets, when you have nearly suffered a heart attack. "You know, there's a _really_ great candy store down the street......."  
  
Artemis chuckles, most likely, for the first time in his life. Meanwhile, fifty feet up, Holly laughs so hard she falls onto the kitchen window. 

** the end **

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A/N Aaaargh! Don't yell at me! Maybe it wasn't what you were expecting, right? See, I can do twists! But if you really didn't like this, don't scream, I will have the **ALTERNATE ENDING** up soon!  
  
Please review! And put your flames nicely! (shivers ) 


	8. Not As Planned

Chapter Eight - Alternate Ending!

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Thanks for all the reviews! Wow, you actually liked it, (or at least gave me ideas to write better) 

Third Lady Knight- _NO, I can't fall onto a window!??!?!?!?_ But Holly and Ginger will fall through the window at the end, instead.   
  
**Disclaimer:** Okay, since we have already given up, we won't start another war until the next story. Sorry, team. (Authors walk off and grumble.) So, I don't own Artemis Fowl. Yet. (grins evilly)  
  
_This takes place instead of chapter 7._

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I watch as they both break free of my friends' grasp. Apparently, while they were as loyal as friends go, they weren't as strong as Butler, which I gathered, was the name of the professional, er, butler.  
  
He pulls a dart rifle out of nowhere, and I gasp audibly. Honestly, who would be _stupid_ enough to kidnap someone in broad daylight, for heaven's sake. With over two hundred eyes watching. I take a glance around, and realize that, unfortunately, everyone (who wasn't playing something or chatting about this week's movies like they were the future of our world) was too terrified of the giant to pay the slightest attention.  
  
Thinking quickly, I duck down and stomp on both of their feet. As they jump in shock, I snatch both pairs of sunglasses. I try my best to get the _mesmer_ right. I shake my head. No one had even taught me properly, figuring that no thirteen-year-old fairy would ever need defense. Shows how much they know.  
  
"Humans, you will leave me alone, leave my school, and forget I am a fairy. For ever." I stare in anticipation. Perhaps it had actually worked, even though it was my first time. Except for when I tried to use it to make my mom clean up my messy room. Unsuccessfully.  
  
My friends look on in awe. "Hey, Ginger, can you use that on my dad to raise my allow-?" asks Christina, but stops abruptly as Judy elbows her in the ribs, motioning for them to go back to hiding.  
  
"I presume you didn't believe we were that stupid, fairy?" inquires Artemis, gesturing toward his contacts. I think of the fact that he was attempting to do this in a public place. "Well, it_ is_ an easy mistake," I answer. Artemis glares at me. I suppose no one had ever dared insult him in his life. How lucky.   
  
Artemis says something to Butler, and he takes aim again, muttering something about thirteen-year-olds bossing him around. I duck and try to give them both a well-deserved punch, but they move away fast. I cover my eyes.  
  
Suddenly, I see a slight heat shimmer right in front of me, and Artemis & Co. staggering back, their gun bent out of shape. I smile and drop-kick them, and after a long while, they fall to the ground, me hoping they're unconscious.  
  
I punch the air and drop my acorn, finally, into its destination. I spot my teacher coming over with a bewildered look on her face. Finally able to shield, I fly up to the rooftop, dragging my friends up all the way. Which was an other not-so-easy task. I really should tell Natalie to go easy on the brownies. The figure joins us, and unshields.  
  
"Holly?" I gasp, and hug my cousin, thanking her a million times. "It's all right, I couldn't let that no-good, dirty, rotten–," she says, along with some unprintable stuff. I cover my pointy ears and groan. I had to listen to all this three years ago.   
  
We take a look below. Ms. Egan, along with the rest of the teachers, stands below, looking around. "I could have sworn I saw–," she says, scratching her head. The math teacher rolls his eyes, and mid-roll spots someone on the grass.  
  
"Take a look here!" All clamber over to the spot, and discover Artemis and Butler, his, er, Butler. They both stand up groggily.  
  
"What happened here?" asks one of the teachers, apparently, not in a very good mood. "I'm not sure," answers Artemis, looking honest. For the first time in his life.  
  
Ms. Egan sees Butler and the cube, and remembers telling them to get out of school grounds. "You have detention!" she says angrily. "A butler and a – whatever this is–," she takes a step back from the cube, "don't belong here!"  
  
"But–," protests Butler. "But–," said Artemis. "But–," comes a voice from the mini computer. "And you have an attitude problem!" my teacher says to it. The others look at her a bit strangely. "Uh, yeah," she says. "Inside!"  
  
Artemis walks inside sadly, scratching his head, looking determined to figure this out. As soon as they are all out of earshot, we all give a hearty chuckle. Without thinking, I jump up into the air.  
  
When I come back down, the glass ceiling caves in, and we all fall down into the kitchen, into whatever we had for lunch today. I really don't want to guess. But after a while, I forget my disgust and laugh at what a day I'd had. I had survived Artemis Fowl at my school. I could survive anything.   
  
Now, all I had to do was find some way to take my friends to Haven........  
  
_** the end**_

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_A/N Well, this was better, right? **Please review**! Yes, there will be a sequel, of course!! Two, actually. One for each ending!_  
  
Goodbye, all! Hope you enjoyed it. :) 


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